Five ways to avoid a mid-life crisis
New evidence suggests middle-aged men feel increasingly trapped by society's expectations, but there are positive steps you can take - no red sports cars required.
There was a time when the notion of a midlife crisis seemed like nothing more than a tragic joke, associated with images of forty somethings wearing cowboy hats at Glastonbury, or buying a red sports car. The reality, however, can be no laughing matter, as today's middle-aged men find themselves torn between the established norms of the baby-boomer generation and the more self-aware, emotionally articulate members of Generation Y.
As the expectations of masculinity shift, startling numbers are being caught adrift. Statistics released last week revealed that the suicide rate amongst men is at its highest since 2001, while the age group most affected was not the young but those aged between 45 and 59.
"There is a growing sense that males need to live up to a certain standard of ‘alpha male’: get a good career, marry, have a couple of kids, earn a lot of money and retire," argues the leadership expert Dr. David Fraser, who has researched the issue. "With that pressure, it’s very easy to feel like you’re straying from the path or doing something wrong."
Read on for Fraser's tips on how to avoid the feelings of a midlife crisis.
1. Help somebody worse off than you It may seem like the last thing a person in crisis needs, but Fraser argues that turning your focus on others can be a shortcut to finding your purpose in life. If you’re stuck not knowing what to do, helping people who perhaps have more serious problems than their career falling on hard times or suffering from unhappiness at home can be enormously fulfilling," he says. "There are always people who haven’t been afforded the same privileges and opportunities that you have, so turning your attention to them can in turn help you reconnect with your own sense of wellbeing and purpose."
2. Open up It is an ancient cliché, but even in the modern age where we have more methods of communication than ever, most men remain just as unwilling as ever to articulate their emotions. Fraser says that learning to verbalise and share our doubts, worries and insecurities is often the first step towards solving them. And it needn’t be as difficult as you imagine. Start one-to-one with the right person, rather than to a group in the pub. Let your friend know you value his or her opinion and that you want to ask them something," he says. "It needn’t be formal or dramatic, but you might be surprised by the results."
3. Remember: your career is pointless Most men tend to define themselves by what they have achieved in work, because that is what they are told is important. But jobs come and go and in the end we tend to fade out rather than finish when we want to. Ultimately you career is pointless," Fraser says. "Even if you do everything you ever wanted to in work and reach the top of your field, you still eventually fall off the top of it. More likely you fall off somewhere in the middle, though, at your peak. At some point there will be a crash, so you must ask yourself: what difference do you want to make?" Fraser points to a quotation by the late Labour Party grandee Tony Benn: "The people who have sacrificed their view in order to get to the top have very often left no footprints in the sands of time", and argues that signing your life over to be a "wage slave" to a corporate employer generally means working on somebody else’s plan, while ignoring your own needs. No matter how much you earn, your real wealth may not lie in your pocket," he says.
4. Tell yourself a better story With the news full of horror and misery, learning to filter can be imperative to maintaining a positive outlook on life. Relentless spools of misfortune in the headlines can be wearying, and television news is the worst culprit. With newspapers you have a choice to read which sections you like, and choose what you feel is relevant," Fraser says. "In front of the TV, you’re at the whim of the producer, so it’s the persistent list of negative stories interspersed with adverts that make you feel awful. If you begin to filter that 'consumer' narrative, everything can change. I call it telling yourself a better story – you can pick and choose what messages you receive." It doesn’t stop at news. Social media can also be harmful, especially if you see an endless stream of gloating Facebook posts and self-congratulatory LinkedIn updates: evidence has suggested that there is a link between high Facebook activity and depression. "You can choose what you pay attention to," Fraser says. "So choose what makes you happy." Tempting as it can be to revert to old habits, it's not always a good idea.
5. Listen to your elders For men who experience a crisis of identity in middle age, there is a tendency to reconnect with their youth, be it via a new pair of high-top trainers or letting loose in a way they likely gave up years ago. While Fraser says that’s not wholly unhelpful, more important is looking in the other generational direction, towards elders who know what it's like to deal with the challenges of ageing. "Listening to wise heads can save us a lot of grief," he says. "Generally as a society we don’t put enough value on learning from the old: those who’ve been there and done it. The emphasis is always on the latest answers and treatment, but most of those stem from ideas that are decades old. For all the therapy in the world, watching It’s a Wonderful Life is the perfect guide for a mid-life crisis."
Article courtesy of the free men’s health newsletter emale greg@menshealthservices.com.au
There was a time when the notion of a midlife crisis seemed like nothing more than a tragic joke, associated with images of forty somethings wearing cowboy hats at Glastonbury, or buying a red sports car. The reality, however, can be no laughing matter, as today's middle-aged men find themselves torn between the established norms of the baby-boomer generation and the more self-aware, emotionally articulate members of Generation Y.
As the expectations of masculinity shift, startling numbers are being caught adrift. Statistics released last week revealed that the suicide rate amongst men is at its highest since 2001, while the age group most affected was not the young but those aged between 45 and 59.
"There is a growing sense that males need to live up to a certain standard of ‘alpha male’: get a good career, marry, have a couple of kids, earn a lot of money and retire," argues the leadership expert Dr. David Fraser, who has researched the issue. "With that pressure, it’s very easy to feel like you’re straying from the path or doing something wrong."
Read on for Fraser's tips on how to avoid the feelings of a midlife crisis.
1. Help somebody worse off than you It may seem like the last thing a person in crisis needs, but Fraser argues that turning your focus on others can be a shortcut to finding your purpose in life. If you’re stuck not knowing what to do, helping people who perhaps have more serious problems than their career falling on hard times or suffering from unhappiness at home can be enormously fulfilling," he says. "There are always people who haven’t been afforded the same privileges and opportunities that you have, so turning your attention to them can in turn help you reconnect with your own sense of wellbeing and purpose."
2. Open up It is an ancient cliché, but even in the modern age where we have more methods of communication than ever, most men remain just as unwilling as ever to articulate their emotions. Fraser says that learning to verbalise and share our doubts, worries and insecurities is often the first step towards solving them. And it needn’t be as difficult as you imagine. Start one-to-one with the right person, rather than to a group in the pub. Let your friend know you value his or her opinion and that you want to ask them something," he says. "It needn’t be formal or dramatic, but you might be surprised by the results."
3. Remember: your career is pointless Most men tend to define themselves by what they have achieved in work, because that is what they are told is important. But jobs come and go and in the end we tend to fade out rather than finish when we want to. Ultimately you career is pointless," Fraser says. "Even if you do everything you ever wanted to in work and reach the top of your field, you still eventually fall off the top of it. More likely you fall off somewhere in the middle, though, at your peak. At some point there will be a crash, so you must ask yourself: what difference do you want to make?" Fraser points to a quotation by the late Labour Party grandee Tony Benn: "The people who have sacrificed their view in order to get to the top have very often left no footprints in the sands of time", and argues that signing your life over to be a "wage slave" to a corporate employer generally means working on somebody else’s plan, while ignoring your own needs. No matter how much you earn, your real wealth may not lie in your pocket," he says.
4. Tell yourself a better story With the news full of horror and misery, learning to filter can be imperative to maintaining a positive outlook on life. Relentless spools of misfortune in the headlines can be wearying, and television news is the worst culprit. With newspapers you have a choice to read which sections you like, and choose what you feel is relevant," Fraser says. "In front of the TV, you’re at the whim of the producer, so it’s the persistent list of negative stories interspersed with adverts that make you feel awful. If you begin to filter that 'consumer' narrative, everything can change. I call it telling yourself a better story – you can pick and choose what messages you receive." It doesn’t stop at news. Social media can also be harmful, especially if you see an endless stream of gloating Facebook posts and self-congratulatory LinkedIn updates: evidence has suggested that there is a link between high Facebook activity and depression. "You can choose what you pay attention to," Fraser says. "So choose what makes you happy." Tempting as it can be to revert to old habits, it's not always a good idea.
5. Listen to your elders For men who experience a crisis of identity in middle age, there is a tendency to reconnect with their youth, be it via a new pair of high-top trainers or letting loose in a way they likely gave up years ago. While Fraser says that’s not wholly unhelpful, more important is looking in the other generational direction, towards elders who know what it's like to deal with the challenges of ageing. "Listening to wise heads can save us a lot of grief," he says. "Generally as a society we don’t put enough value on learning from the old: those who’ve been there and done it. The emphasis is always on the latest answers and treatment, but most of those stem from ideas that are decades old. For all the therapy in the world, watching It’s a Wonderful Life is the perfect guide for a mid-life crisis."
Article courtesy of the free men’s health newsletter emale greg@menshealthservices.com.au
